12 people women can’t avoid if they work as an investment banker

If you're a woman in investment banking, you're lucky if you can go through your entire career without bumping into one of these hilarious but annoying characters. And although they might be fun to talk about, the joke's on you when one of them decides you're on their team.

1. The HR rep with a script

Whenever they talk, it's as if they follow a printout of available lines that someone wrote to make sure they get sued as little as possible. This leads to conversations where they ask you how you're doing in your department, and you say you're struggling because one of the guys keeps making comments about what you wear, and their answer is, "I'm so glad to hear you find our dress code helpful".

2. The newly promoted associate who calls himself everyone's "boss"

Since they pushed through the first three years of a promotional cycle and were allowed to write "associate" on their business card instead of "analyst," they see the world in a new light. Particularly, they see the 2nd year analyst differently and start saying things like "I can tell you to do this because I'm your boss" and making jokes like "go pick up a coffee for me, or who knows what will happen with your bonus next year".

woman with green frost & forest doctors bag

3. The MD who takes every call from a boat

This is the person you'll hear from but never see. They tell their team they get a lot more done when they're on holiday. If they come into the office, there are too many people asking things from them (read: you, asking for help). The joke's on you because you're the one who'll be left working all night when they actually do come into the office. They couldn't possibly have given you input on your presentation sooner – there's no wifi on the boat.

4. The sales guy who knows how everyone else should do their job

Everyone knows that sales is the hardest job in the world – much more difficult than modelling how the oil price is moving the next 10 years. So it's only natural that the top sales guy will drop by everyone's office to tell them how they should do their job. The only reason he isn't doing your job in addition to his is that he doesn't know how to "turn on Excel".

5. The "How old are you" guy

Whenever you try to convince him with facts, he'll look you up and down and ask you how old you are or how many years you have spent working with so-and-so. Because everyone knows that it's who you know and not what you know. And when he knows less than you, he still knows that the best way to get his way is to point out something completely irrelevant and derogatory about you.

6. The "there can only be one Queen bee" here

female investment banker walking amongst a group of men

When Sheryl Sandberg told her to lean in, she threw herself across the table. And she made sure to push anyone else out of her way because there is only one spot for a woman in the boardroom, and that belongs to her. If you ever ask her for advice, she smiles towards you and says that she had to deal with worse when she was your age, so you should be able to figure it out on your own.

7. The client who just got divorced and wants to party

You're way too junior to be responsible for wining or dining anyone to land a deal for your team. But that doesn't matter for the client who has spent the last ten years commuting out of the city at 5 PM to spend time with the kids. Now they're fresh out of divorce court, and you are buying them drinks.

8. The assistant who works for someone but definitely not you

You might have been told on your first day that this person is responsible for things like printing pitch books and booking trips, but what they forgot to tell you is that it's not your trips and not your pitch books. You're a lowly analyst who needs to understand that unless you have negative hours left in the day to sleep and go to the bathroom, the bank's resources aren't around to make your job any easier.

9. The "well-meaning" grandfather who doesn't know what to do with himself after #MeToo

He'll complain that the women's revolution has gone too far now that he can't hug anyone in the office. He gives you advice on what to wear so you'll look "perky and nice" and at least three of the biggest law firms in town refuse to work on deals where he is present.

10. The in-house lawyer who's had enough

woman in black skirt with black doctors bag

She was promised challenging tasks and interesting deals. But every day has yet another 10 brokers come into her office asking if a signature from the client they're trying to onboard is really necessary. KYC doesn't stand for Know Your Client, but Kick Your Chin for taking this job.

11. The analyst whose parent is a very important client

An MD checks in with them on a weekly basis to see if they have any growing pains or if they think the department should get an ice cream machine. They're brought into client meetings the first week and told to read up on the most exciting deal the team has worked on for the past two years, because they are now a core part of the team.

12. The "don't work too late" director

It's been long enough since he was an analyst that he won't remember the pain of having someone offload a bunch of tasks on them at 7 PM and telling them they're for tomorrow morning. But it's close enough in time that he'll still want revenge for the all-nighters he pulled. But don't worry; he'll tell you that you shouldn't stay up too late because that violates company policy *wink, wink*.

Share this with a friend who has met any of these creatures at work!

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