1. The guy who "works" for risk
You don't know what he does, but from the number of meetings he sits in on, you get the sense that it's important. He once mumbled something about a graph not being normally distributed, but when you asked why the company printing costs should follow that pattern, he just stared right through you.
2. The sleazebag no one gets rid of because he makes the company so much money
He's in sales. He's always in sales. He drinks himself half to death at each company event and tries to make out with at least seven women each time. When you complain about his behaviour, HR says they'll "have a chat" with him and then remind you that this company was built on getting new sales leads.
3. The "there's no politics at this company" guy
He'll tell anyone who will listen how great it is to work for a company that doesn't care about politics for promotions. Then he goes on to invite the same five guys out for lunch each week to give them helpful tips and pointers for them to excel at the next promotion cycle "just because he likes them".
4. The boss who tells you that you can be honest with her
She'll invite you out for coffee so you can give her intel on what's going on with your team. And the week after you've told her what you think needs to improve for everyone to become more efficient, you'll find your boss hanging over your shoulder telling you that you need to have a talk about your "poor attitude and likeability".
5. The "I've been here 20 years, and nothing will ever phase me" guy
He's seen 8 CEOs get fired and knows that nothing will change no matter if you're lean, work in silos, or if the bosses set up an open-door policy. He's always seen with a cup of coffee in his hand, leaning against something, and the only time he looks slightly worried is when McKinsey sets up a permanent evaluation hub in one of the meeting rooms.
6. The new hire who is open to everything
When HR says they'll be a new opening in the office at Doncaster for someone to do a 2-year rotation, they start vibrating on the spot. Because nothing says "ready for promotion" quite as well as willingness to abandon their entire social life to do a job that isn't actually interesting.
7. The boss who is your friend until you ask for a raise
They talk about how everything is open for discussion but remind you that you took five days off after your mother died last year when discussing your potential raise. They throw around phrases such as "pulling like a team" and "there's no I in raise". Besides, didn't you hear how much the company's printing costs have increased since 2018? Who can think of a salary increase under those circumstances?
8. The person who sees it as their job to teach every expat what country culture really is
They'll tell you that "we don't go hunting in England, we go shooting" while they slap their thighs and laugh. And they'll send out a company-wide email reminding everyone that in this country, "we don't write analyse with a z". The next time you talk about spilling coffee on your pants, they'll shout for the entire office to hear that "you've made a mess of your UNDERWEAR" because the joke about you not saying trousers instead of pants just gets funnier each time it's told.
9. The woman who's worked there so long that she knows it will soon be her turn
For what she isn't sure about, though. She thought it was for a raise and a promotion, but it turns out it was just to plan this year's company Christmas party. She's been offered higher salaries from five other companies but is so loyal to her boss that whenever she talks about it, she says she knows that she is truly valued for her work here. After all, she did win the lunch lottery last March, which meant she got to bring a bottle of dry Sauvignon Blanc back home.
10. The person who sees the company as their personal dating show
Who needs Tinder when you have interviews of potential new hires and company off-sites? They'll ask you if you like to drink wine at your job interview, and stand disturbingly close to you whenever someone is giving a company speech. They'll always notice when you're wearing something new, and you get a feeling they might take notes of what you eat for lunch.
Watch your back because there's sarcasm at every corner. If you want more funny, helpful or fashion-related work emails as well as a free cardholder with your bag, sign up for our monthly newsletter here.